Alan N. Levy: Ann Coulter is the New Woman in My Life

This is my farewell letter to Jennifer Anniston.

Jennifer, yes, it’s true that we have to call it quits.  Sorry about that crushingly honest statement, and knowing that your local grocer will soon run out of Kleenex as you mourn the end of our relationship, I must nonetheless remain steadfast in this decision.

My first love will remain my wife.  But after her, I am now overwhelmingly committed to the daring and caustic Ms. Ann Coulter, even though when she speaks, it’s as though she’s just eaten a handful of Sweet Tarts.  Her words, however, are brilliant.

Yesterday, Ms. Coulter was quoted as saying, “the only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”  How can you not immediately love her?  So, Jennifer, stick with Adam Sandler.  He’s your guy, and I believe he’s up to the task of consoling you.

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According to an article posted by ABC St. Louis on January 2nd, 2019, a five billion dollar border wall, installed primarily in the area of the Rio Grande Valley near Laredo, Texas, will span roughly 215 miles, at a cost of twenty-three million dollars per mile.

Our common border with Mexico is 1,954 miles.

Forgive me, I’m a math guy.  Forget the five billion or even an eight billion dollar proposal.  Let’s wave the proverbial Washington magic wand and talk twenty billion dollars.  We all know there’s massive waste at the federal level, a really good hammer at Home Depot may cost twenty bucks, but in a military bid that same hammer may be easily three or four hundred dollars.  If you aren’t aware of that claim, go to the defense website and browse around.  The opening comment on that page states that every day at 5:00 pm, at least seven million dollars in contracts are awarded, and I still remember that in the late 1970’s, a million dollars was awarded to someone to study the German cockroach.  I noticed that bid just after the contract had been awarded, and it was too late to put in writing that I would have done the study for a mere $850,000.  The German cockroach, by the way, is apparently immune to massive doses of radiation, and the U.S. Army wanted to know why.  I studied German in college, so that and a greatly slashed bid could have won me the award, and eight hundred grand in 1977 dollars was a great deal of money.  I would have suggested after careful analysis, of course, that each of our soldiers be issued a cockroach.  Navy Seals would each get two, just because.  Happy army.  Happy me.

Back to a twenty million dollar wall.  Our soldiers don’t need bullets, and we could easily slash social security benefits by at least half to generate the cash.  But let’s keep the 160 golf courses at U. S. military bases worldwide open, instead of closing them and giving our military personnel preferred tee times at public courses across the nation.  Old people can eat dog food.  Perhaps I’ll write a cook book, entitled, “It’s Really Not So Bad if You Just Add Garlic.”

Yup, a twenty million dollar wall is the way to go.  So if a five million dollar wall will span 215 miles, then my conceptualized wall would span four times that distance, or 860 miles.  Perfect.

And that would only leave 1,094 miles of border without new fencing.  To be fair, there currently exists about 650 miles of fencing, much of which can be climbed with a makeshift grappling hook attached to a knotted rope.  So with a twenty billion dollar wall, at least 400 miles of border will be unprotected.  And with the currently proposed five or eight billion dollar wall, roughly one thousand miles of border will remain wall-less.  This discussion reminds me of the Maginot Line, built by France in the early 1930’s to deter attacks against that nation from the east.  It spanned 943 miles and seemed a solid deterrent as originally conceived.  It had underground air conditioned facilities for bivouacked French troops, a railroad support system, and was largely considered a work of genius.  Wehrmacht Generals attacked by simply going around the Maginot Line and encircling allied troops in the process.  The catastrophe at Dunkirk resulted in the capture of roughly eighty thousand British and French troops, and the famous Maginot Line, in retrospect, was idiotic and ill-conceived.

There is an extraordinary parallel between German forces easily bypassing a fixed defensive line that spanned 943 miles and the Mongols bypassing the Great Wall of China in the year 1279, thereby defeating the Song Dynasty.  The German Generals and Kublai Khan seem to have said the same thing, “Nice wall, but we’re going to march around it and attack you.”

If history teaches us anything, it’s repetition.  The Great Wall of China, the impregnable Maginot Line in France, and the Great and Clearly Incomplete Wall of America.  Is there seriously anyone in this nation who believes that a wall or walls at the Mexican border spanning a thousand miles, thereby leaving an additional thousand miles open and unprotected, will deter a steady flow of undocumented immigrants into this nation?  Perhaps we might structure some sort of entry IQ test.  For those who struggle up and over our newly completed walls, we capture and deport you immediately.  You’re stupid, and we want nothing to do with you.  For those who walk around our walls and cross easily onto our soil, we offer you free health insurance, you’re paid in cash and you don’t have to pay taxes, you may also be given the right to vote, provided you always punch the Democrat ticket entries on a ballot, and you’ll be given an immediate job framing houses or trimming lawns.  Your children will immediately become U.S. citizens if born on our soil, and you’ll fill a necessary gap in our society.  You’ll work hard, a trait which is admirable, and you’ll fill jobs ordinary citizens don’t care to do.  And you’ll help fulfill the dreams of liberal Democrats, to take control of this nation by adding to and controlling the votes of the masses.

Yes, I completely agree with Ann Coulter.  Our arrogant, prideful, vain excuse for a president, who runs the Oval Office Show as though it’s a long-running episode of, “The Apprentice,” has overstepped the boundaries that should contain any logical executive.  It’s not declaring the need for half-a-wall that makes him an idiot, for that decision is merely reckless.  What makes him an idiot is not comprehending or caring that the precedent he’s about to create, if upheld, will be an open checkbook for Executive Branch abuse of power in future generations.

Read about the stupidity of the finite Maginot Line, a fixed position wall-like engineering feat that Germany simple drove her tanks around during their attack.  And then read about the concept of half-a-wall and the quickly fading promise that Washington would have Mexico pay for it.  And think about how our legal system works.  Twenty years from now, let’s imagine that we elect a president who is a closet racist.  He declares a national emergency, and because of the court decision in 2019 that upheld Donald Trump’s right to use his executive powers to build the Great Half-Wall, our president in 2039 has his right to declare a national emergency, upheld by the courts.  Government lawyers successfully argue on the basis of legal precedent having been set, and the National Guard is mobilized.  In 2039, children of undocumented immigrants are gathered and slaughtered in a maniacal program to control their numbers.  Or perhaps the national emergency is to be about Jews, or citizens of Russian descent.

This is why Ann Coulter is correct, and the unpredictable toddler in the Oval Office does not deserve the scepter of power he now wields.

Alan N. Levy is the author of the geo-political thriller, The Tenth Plague, which Kirkus Reviews calls, “a bombastic and cinematic thriller … A fleet and dramatic … tale of global conflict.” The novel is available for pre-order at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and your local bookstore.