lavar ball

By Alan Levy.

There is a path we must never take. It involves the application of logic and intellect, as well as the normally reliable yardsticks of accuracy, quality, ethics, and morality, to language and speech.

In a free society, we are sworn to bear the burden of dubious statements by even more dubious citizens, from our Commander in Tweet on down through the ranks. Incredibly, we have proclaimed there are most assuredly good citizens among the throngs of white supremacists in this nation, we may actually structure swastika painting contests at summer fairs in the near future in the name of free expression, we give air time to morons and imbeciles in the name of equality, and in so doing, we embarrassingly euthanize our ability to discern what is pure from what is purely garbage.

So, shall we disembark from a daily allotment of linguistic ineptitude in our lives? The answer is resoundingly that we cannot, and we must stay the course. For if that’s not done, where are new lines to be drawn, and more importantly, who is to be given the power to draw those lines? “Denial” might then become our new mantra. Deny rights to certain groups, religions, or ethnic minorities, deny certain historical events ever existed, gather and burn books of a certain ilk, all in the name of simplicity, a lack of conflict, and in the name of order and tranquility. “Ignorance is bliss”, proclaimed Thomas Gray in 1742. A corollary to that observation might be that while one might be ignorant and feel, one must also think in order to feel deeply.

Surely, we cannot suggest a world without debate and argument would yield a better future, for out of challenge stems innovation and growth. And so, I must grudgingly proclaim that we must endure the likes of Nancy Pelosi, the whimsical articles about Scientology and Tom Cruise, endless segments about the Kardashians, and worst of all, a steady stream of quotes by LaVar Ball. The mere fact that Mr. Ball’s words are published is a tribute to the greatness of this nation. Against all odds, freedom of expression continues to endure in this Republic, even though LaVar places a daily and worrisome challenge to that which our Founding Fathers originally conceived. I remain offended by this pompous and ludicrous man, however, especially since he continues to step on hallowed ground. For more than a year now, LaVar Ball has repeatedly proclaimed he could beat Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one basketball. And even though, purely from a statistical point of view, the two men seem fairly equal … LaVar played a single season at Washington State and averaged 2.2 points per game, and Michael, well, has always been Michael … University of North Carolina, then da Bulls, six-time NBA champion, and six-time NBA finals MVP.

Okay, I’m originally from Chicago and I’ll always contend there is basketball, the NBA, NBA All-stars, and then, on a special plateau, there is Michael. For a moment, picture yourself at a park, just like the one we played in when we were kids. It’s a pickup game, and youse and me, we pick sides. Your choice. Do you pick Michael, or do you pick LaVar? The choice doesn’t even take you two seconds. I contend that even LaVar’s kid would pick Michael Jordan before he’d pick his own father in that pickup game, and if we asked fifty million people that same question, not one would go with the comic version of a basketball player versus The Legend.

What’s the point of all this, you may ask? To me, LaVar Ball is as insignificant as a tick, and I’ve chosen that analogy carefully. A tick can be deadly, and it can spread a disease to its host that can be debilitating, or worse. Mr. Ball, in spite of his attempts to be otherwise, is harmless. But the disease he potentially may spread will commence on the day we elect to silence him. There is not an ounce of greatness within this bombastic and absurd man, and he is hardly dangerous. But danger surrounds him, nonetheless. Others, with far louder and more penetrating voices, have been silenced by ruthless regimes throughout prior centuries, and the first step toward fascism is to quell the masses. I applaud our ability to put up with nonsense and to publish an unending stream of rubbish articles about trivia and trivial people. I’m a conservative, but I applaud our liberal press for the flow of news, whether fake or not, into the river of freedom.

And to you, LaVar, you are my unexpected hero. As long as your name remains in the news, I shall have no fear that the light of this mighty Republic may diminish. For only in the greatest of nations can a name like yours possibly endure. But it’s okay with me if we cancel the series about the Kardashians. As long as reruns remain available, we’ll be just fine.

Alan Levy is the author of The Tenth Plague, which will be published by Chickadee Prince Books in 2019.